For my sake, I'm doing this. I'm hoping, one day, that I'll find myself, and no longer need a harbor for my personal hurricanes because I can just be. But until that time, I have this as my port in the storm, and after that time, other sailors in the same sea of troubles I am can find their guiding light.
FMS
Sometimes I really wonder how crazy my life is. For instance, last night, it was a regular old night in the fraternity house, watching Family Guy, drinking (a lot), playing video games, and talking about how yummy soccer guys are. I'm a libra and this girl told me that Libra's love Soccer guys, not other sports, just Soccer specifically, I do...
I was very frank about my gayness yesterday, as I am wont to do when I'm drunk and, of course, nobody cares but one girl there, that I had a crush with/made out with freshmen year was just listening to the entire conversation. I wonder if she knew I was drunk kidding or that I was literally serious about going down on David Beckham...things to ponder...
But yeah, so my Aunt invited me to an exclusive, invite-only party in the metropolitan area...INVITE ONLY. All day long, I was thinking of what I was going to wear and stuff. This isn't some frat-party, house party. This is a special office Christmas Party for a "movers and shaker business corporation", all you can eat buffet, semi-formal (or so I've heard)...and that's actually my problem. Its probably too late to ask now, but what does one wear to this kinds of things? I have a blue blazer but I don't think I"m wearing that. I'm wearing a tight khakis, striped long sleeved shirt with a blue undershirt...I don't know. I look like a recent college kid interning at a company...oh wait, I kinda am...
I don't know...I just feel so special because of the exclusivity...=), lol. I'm psyched.
I'm not going to know anybody other than my brother and my aunt...maybe I'll make connections and land a job after I graduate...I don't know. These are the things I think about.
But here's something cool, my aunt told me its going to be mostly families and stuff there but...what about INTERNS! She specifically mentioned, there may be some hot, young interns, new in the business and looking to get head...ahead, I mean. Not that I can provide that for them or yeah...things to ponder...
I keep on wishing, that maybe this one moment, out of all the others in my life, will last forever.
The children were tumbling over and opposed to the cries and whelps they'll make any other time of year, this time they're laughing. Their parent's didn't help them up, they were laughing hard too. They had sparkling candy canes on the glass ceiling with bright red ribbons on them and in contrast to the dark background, they seemed like sugar-coated stars. Sweet stars baked specifically to light a little ice rink for Christmas.
“Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas” played on the speakers. This is my favorite Christmas song. I started singing along, and he smiled tolerating my dead tone.
A couple speeds past us. They're swaying from side to side. The guy is wearing a red jacket with blue jeans. The girl is wearing is wearing a white coat and pink scarf around her neck. When he would dip to his left, she would follow. But he wasn't leading, she pulled him away from the sides and took him insider her arms. And they danced on the ice for a brief few minutes like a couple of angels gliding on Earth. I bet for both of them, it lasted forever. And I saw him smirk, his eyes glowing from the Christmas lights.
And there I was, trying so hard to be an angel but looking more like a zombie: arms flailing to maintain some sort of balance, falling down because of weak limbs, and yelping in ecstasy at the sight of human life. I look stupid but I don't feel stupid. I'm exactly where I want to be because for some reason, in ice rinks across the world, everybody becomes a little cuter, more innocent, and more like a baby. Everybody completely understands that you're going to fall, get hurt, and its going to be fine. And when you laugh at yourself, they laugh with you cause they remember they were once like that too. Even when you cry, they laugh because they know its nothing, the bruises and pain will all subside.
That's what it is to be a baby, putting your foot in your mouth, and that's what it was for me to ice skate, putting my mouth where my foot should be. Anywhere else, I'd be a fool but in an ice rink, I'm just another baby with angels flying past me.
I was hoping he would guide me and help me bandage the festering wounds of stumbling loneliness. I'm over ripe, a moving lifeless body which for all intents, I should have been in the ground a long time ago. I'm rotten to the core, dissipating away while the best years of my life fall from me like flesh from an undead. But I know its better this way: I”m undead and loving it. He told me so.
“just let go”
I'm trying so hard sometimes, taking ages to learn that I won't get their forever. My forever lasts in moments like this, bundled up under fabrics without knee pads, smiling with friends you haven't seen in a semester, and being deathly jealous of the kids who skate better than I do. We should all just want to stay as baby zombies, laughing (eating) ourselves to death, eating our own foot (human flesh), being cute and shit. I don't want to learn how to skate, I don't want to grow up. I don't want to move on to something more. I want to keep enjoying the time we have as friends. Keep on wishing, that out of all the friends in my life, I'll always think of him as a friend and only a friend...forever.
The staff shouted everyone to get out of the rink. “Silver Bells” started playing on the speakers, his favorite. He exited first, singing “it's Christmas time in the city". We smiled at each other, he was comfortable enough to sing around me. I felt like Bing Crosby.
I'm trying so hard to listen to his advice when I first stepped in the ice rink: “just let go...relax and don't be tense” I'm trying my best to just succumb to the moment, know that nothing will come out of this. He's going to blow my brains out and shoot my heart away. Just let go and become another rotten face in the crowd, stop wanting to chase him. Babies grow up despite the worst angels in our nature. Just let go, grow out of it. He's not making it easy but I'm trying really hard.
A couple of hours more, and I was ice skating with the rest of them. Enjoying the cold air hit my face, laughing with him as we passed over little kids scraping their knees, discussing the little things I'll miss when I leave for England, and even in my worst efforts; I felt like I was flying.
After all the pain and bruises of letting go, I realize that it is better this way, this is how I will get my wings, not from him, but from someone else, and even if I didn't want it anymore. I followed his advice: "just let go..." now I know how to skate,
I went to a gay club last night and got kicked out because the bouncers said I groped a girl in a white dress...I'm gay.
And I didn't see a girl with a white dress the entire night and I came with like 7 girls with me...Yes, it was like 7 lesbians and I was the token Guy/Gay. And if I wanted to touch tits, grab ass, grind on girls, I definitely had my choices, and for the record, I did. I was dancing with the girls more than the guys. I just feel very intimated by all the hot guys in the club. Every time I go, the place is just overflowing with them...this one guy I knew was there, straight? Unfriended me on facebook for no reason, well I think I spilled like beer on him or something but I didn't even know it was him. And I was arguing with the bouncers for like thirty minutes. They threatened to call the cops on me, I told them to go fuck themselves...repeatedly.
BouncerS: What did you say to me? FUCK ME? I've treated you with respect the entire time...
Me: RESPECT! BULLSHIT...I didn't do a goddamn thing and you kicked me out for no fucking reason! Can I see this girl who accused me? Where is she? FUCK YOU.
Several bouncers: gtfo. and if you say fuck you again...(they were making all this faces like they were going to get violent...)
Me. Fuck you. I'm waiting for my girls to come out...and can I get my fucking my jacket...assholes.
I was flirting with this cute gay outside the club and as I started leaving with the girls, he said, "oh yeah...but I'm gay though so sorry...WTF did you think I was doing there?!?! Even at a gay establishment, people still think I'm straight, then again I was sorrounded by hot girls, lol.
Overall, it was fun night and we definitely got our money's worth since we left at like three AM. The one guy I danced with was way too tall for me though like his ass was on my chest. I just feel guilty cause I was responsible for everybody leaving...they kept saying sorry to me but it was I that was sorry to them...they're probably never going with a guy again, gay or straight, lol...
I felt good when I woke up this morning (afternoon) and I don't know...I feel lonely again and guilty...I've gotten into trouble with alcohol before but not last night and not anymore.
I didn't do a goddamn thing.
It was weird cause I was just walking around campus, enjoying the Winter afternoon and as soon as I got back to my place, depression just came over me...cause I realized that even though I'm around people, parties, and support (all the girls we're trying to get me laid, lol...and I think the one straight girl was into me, lol), I still feel alone.
and fuck exams by the way...it makes people not want to party, that pisses me off.
Here's to a better rest of the weekend, though probably not...
a man like any other, beloved in the eyes of God, challenged by the traits that God bestowed, such a split can divide a man in two, but not you. You live as one man, your whole life, despite the inequality, despite the hate. You suffer in life not for loving wrong but for loving too much. Some would say that your a mistake of character, a coward, but in truth, you live a more courageous life than those around you. Never forget that.
A Short Introduction
Formysake
United States
I'm right in between arrogance and insecurity, straight and gay, superficial and compassionate, silly to serious, great to inconsequential, basically, an ambitious young adult growing up where no topic is off-limits.
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